Post by LAD on Jul 7, 2016 23:32:23 GMT -5
So it's been a long time. I miss you guys dearly, and I miss all the chats we have but in part, I suppose that's my fault for not keeping in contact. I seem to have that issue.I make some of the greatest friends, and yet I can't even keep in touch when I know I should - because as it turns out, I'm ridiculous with that kind of thing
But I know I love you and I know y'all love me too - I guess sometimes it just doesn't feel that way. Idk the why's, hows, and what's of it but either way, just gotta attempt a way of keeping y'all updated with what's been going on. That and I seriously need a place to venthe and get everything off my chest. In order of time too - as much as can be at least because it's going to jump around horrible from one thing to another and back again. Typos beware, writing on phone haha
Suppose the last time we spoke was April?? Seems that way at least, and since then, lemme let my best buds know what's been up. My dad underwent surgery, and so did ma. For two different things but atm, Mas okay and dads still having some after effects but he's good, I think. I transfered from one theatre to another because my life got turned upside down. Rumors, bad enough to harm my job and another managers, spread around and I couldn't deal any more. I mean hey, I lasted two years of rumors revolving around me, why do I gotta give it any more shots? So I transfer. I had it in my mind that I wasn't gonna deal with any managers here. Wasn't gonna get too involved. Keep my distance, that sort of thing. It didn't pan out too well. The managers there were really chill as well as the employees and they dragged me in pretty quickly, maybe it had something to do with being the same age group but I failed miserably at that. And they were pretty great too.
All the way up until my grandmother had a stroke. From a bloodclot. That's three family members closely related to me with blood clots - mom and dad included - so there's something to potentially worry about in the future. But my Mama had her stroke before mothers day and all hell seemed to break loose. I got involved with a manager at this theatre - he was crushing on me and I realized it and he's a damn great guy and so I let it happen. Then find out he's got a girl of like, a year, and he loves her. Idk why I decided to be so stupid and let it ride out, but I did. He didnt, wouldn't let me go, but it took him three weeks before he made his first choice. In the mean time, my grandmother is recuperating and slowly getting better at the hospital and we realize that she's not.going back to that damn moldy mobile house and they're coming to live with us. That of course sparked up issues in the family. We just bought two cars, live in a tiny house and we're going to have six people living here? And thus needing new furniture as well as our stove and dishwasher messing up including our phones. What a fucking mess huh guys?
At least ma had just finished paying off both credit cards before shit blew up in our face but damn. My parents don't know about me and coworker of course and never will if I have my way. It was something I never would have found myself in, encouraging someone who's off the market to be with me even though I gave him plenty of chances to turn around. It was fairy tale though. He is that great of a guy. I didn't expect him to go back to her though. Not so soon after he told me he broke up with her. And that should have been the first sign really. I was stupid that's for sure, because he didn't have the guts to admit it a week ago. I should have put a stop to it then but by the end of the night he had seemed to make his decision. Things were dandy again. As dandy as they could be.
My grandmother started back tracking in health it seemed. She barely walks, talks, or has balance and mobility. She struggled and coughed and it was bad until we got her therapy up here. Idk how things are going really, maybe because I'm afraid to really pay too close attention to it. But more than anything, I find myself staying at home rather than going out. I turn away from hangouts with my friends so I can rush home, cook, clean, help my grandoarents. And now I find myself in arguments I never thought I'd be apart of. Arguing with my own grandfather to stop talking in place of my grandmother, telling him to back off and let Mama breath. I neglected my own personal wants - I haven't even touched my laptop in four months. Or gone ice skating. It was actually just two days ago that my mother told me not to stop living my life and encouraged me to go ice skating this week. It felt wrong though.
I feel obligated to stay home even though I want out. And all the while I know deep in my heart that the new friends I made, the two guys - one a brother figure, the other a potential - aren't going to stay with me. Because even though they say they don't wanna let me go, they don't fight to keep me around. And I have to let them go because I'm tired of being the only one fighting to keep them around. It's not a two way street here. And it sucks. Because my father goes off on me every day for being lazy, not doing anything. Saying I don't help around the house when my brother goes to work, comes home and goes to his room to play his games.
As if I don't cook. Clean. Try and step up. Nope. I don't bring him lunch nearly every day that I'm not working. I don't care at all to him. And even more so than that, I feel as if I'm being used because I know my coworker isn't going to stay with me, that I'm just his rebound. But turns out I'm barely even that because tonight he messages me and tells me he's going back to her. My dad's off in Puerto rico, my mom's sleeping for work, my brother being loud in the room down the hall playing games, and he's going back to her and my brother figure, my other coworker who even defended me against his own girlfriend when she misinterpreted a text conversation between he and I - knew. Or it feels like it. And me? I'm just sitting here like... I know I was that person that crossed his path to help him realize what he wanted in life at this moment. Because sometimes that's our role in other people's lives, or their role in ours.
But damn it all why do I have to be the one to be screwed over constantly? Why do I have to be the one who attempts something real with a guy only to realize that I'm nothing but a quick release? Or the girl to just help them in their life?
Why, when I only want to love, cherish, and enjoy another's company, so I end up with those who want nothing from me at all? I'm so tired of pretending not to be hurt living in a toxic house that I've been pushing back at my father with everything he says until the point where I break, going silent because - that's righr, I'm the daughter and I'm in the wrong and I'm disrespectful. I'm tired of being left behind, forgotten. Tired of watching my friends post things on Facebook about what a great time they had some random night - but then realizing they didn't invite me even though those are some of my closest friends. Tired of seeing everyone around me find their true loves - don't get me wrong, I'm beyond ecstatic for them! - and living with them and getting engaged, having families when damn it that's all I fucking want! And yet, my first ex drags me around for years and then after promising to give "us" another shot, walks in on a date with a coworker. Grabs my heart and throws it to the trash. And the next two guys want nothing but sex. Or three. Or four. Thank myou self awareness and trust issues they never got that far. And then the first guy that walks in my life that's great, is taken, and then won't let me just walk away. No, he has to hold me while I cry that first time, refuse to let me walk away, apologize for everything, and then the asshole makes me laugh to help cheer me up. it's not fucking fair. how much pain do I have to go through to find even the slightest bit of happiness? Why do I have to lose great friends? Or feel like I am losing them because I know when brother figure goes to his new job hell forget about me sooner than I will him. And for all his talk, lover boy doesn't have the balls to tell me in person he went back to her a second time until tonight - say we can't be more than friends but I know he'll be anything but friendly.
It's so ridiculous. It's stupid. I'm tired.
And more so than that. I'm tired of living in this world that we do, where every time we turn on the media some new fucked up thing has happened - and people only acknowledge one side of it. I'm not going into detail on that, it's too much, and I'm probably a bit too callous these days to really give it any thought. But I'm tired.
Enough so where I'd rather go live in my own car, my new baby car off in the middle of butt fuck no where so that way I never have to see another face again. At least at this rate with how bad my luck with people seem to be I won't ever have to worry about my heart being ripped out again, and again, and again. Because as of this ment, this is where my life stands.
Struggling with having to put myself out there only to be let down again. Struggling with myself over wanting to leave and live my house, but loving my mom so much I can't bear to leave her alone in this mess of a home. Struggling with everyone else moving ahead in life around me whIle I seem to not be going anywhere at all. I'm stuck in a stalemate. And I know others are too and I'm so sorry that were in that boat because being alone in something like that is wrong. It's just wrong.
But it's worse knowing that friends know bits and pieces of what's going on in my life and I see them happy as can be on social media and they can't even spare a few moments to send me a text, to say hi how are you doing except for a select few and that sucks so bad that they didn't even remember my own fucking birthday until I posted it on Facebook- shocking enough because Facebook is the one that reminds people about that - and I can't help but take a step back and stare and wonder what I did to be forgotten, left behind. That once again I have to be the one to put myself out there to be remembered and I just can't help but think... why when they say they miss me, love me, can't they even say hi to me? Or invite me out places? Or anything of that sort.
Now I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, or anything of that sort. You don't even have to reply because I know all of us here have things going on in life, moments where we feel like this, momentso where maybe you think of me and wonder did I forget you? It's possible at least. But no, I never forget. I never stop loving. And I'm sorry that I couldn't do the exact thing I complain about here and stop and say hi how are you cause I'm just as bad at that.
But yea. I'm sorry, and there you have it. What you choose to do with this, of course is entirely up to you
But I know I love you and I know y'all love me too - I guess sometimes it just doesn't feel that way. Idk the why's, hows, and what's of it but either way, just gotta attempt a way of keeping y'all updated with what's been going on. That and I seriously need a place to venthe and get everything off my chest. In order of time too - as much as can be at least because it's going to jump around horrible from one thing to another and back again. Typos beware, writing on phone haha
Suppose the last time we spoke was April?? Seems that way at least, and since then, lemme let my best buds know what's been up. My dad underwent surgery, and so did ma. For two different things but atm, Mas okay and dads still having some after effects but he's good, I think. I transfered from one theatre to another because my life got turned upside down. Rumors, bad enough to harm my job and another managers, spread around and I couldn't deal any more. I mean hey, I lasted two years of rumors revolving around me, why do I gotta give it any more shots? So I transfer. I had it in my mind that I wasn't gonna deal with any managers here. Wasn't gonna get too involved. Keep my distance, that sort of thing. It didn't pan out too well. The managers there were really chill as well as the employees and they dragged me in pretty quickly, maybe it had something to do with being the same age group but I failed miserably at that. And they were pretty great too.
All the way up until my grandmother had a stroke. From a bloodclot. That's three family members closely related to me with blood clots - mom and dad included - so there's something to potentially worry about in the future. But my Mama had her stroke before mothers day and all hell seemed to break loose. I got involved with a manager at this theatre - he was crushing on me and I realized it and he's a damn great guy and so I let it happen. Then find out he's got a girl of like, a year, and he loves her. Idk why I decided to be so stupid and let it ride out, but I did. He didnt, wouldn't let me go, but it took him three weeks before he made his first choice. In the mean time, my grandmother is recuperating and slowly getting better at the hospital and we realize that she's not.going back to that damn moldy mobile house and they're coming to live with us. That of course sparked up issues in the family. We just bought two cars, live in a tiny house and we're going to have six people living here? And thus needing new furniture as well as our stove and dishwasher messing up including our phones. What a fucking mess huh guys?
At least ma had just finished paying off both credit cards before shit blew up in our face but damn. My parents don't know about me and coworker of course and never will if I have my way. It was something I never would have found myself in, encouraging someone who's off the market to be with me even though I gave him plenty of chances to turn around. It was fairy tale though. He is that great of a guy. I didn't expect him to go back to her though. Not so soon after he told me he broke up with her. And that should have been the first sign really. I was stupid that's for sure, because he didn't have the guts to admit it a week ago. I should have put a stop to it then but by the end of the night he had seemed to make his decision. Things were dandy again. As dandy as they could be.
My grandmother started back tracking in health it seemed. She barely walks, talks, or has balance and mobility. She struggled and coughed and it was bad until we got her therapy up here. Idk how things are going really, maybe because I'm afraid to really pay too close attention to it. But more than anything, I find myself staying at home rather than going out. I turn away from hangouts with my friends so I can rush home, cook, clean, help my grandoarents. And now I find myself in arguments I never thought I'd be apart of. Arguing with my own grandfather to stop talking in place of my grandmother, telling him to back off and let Mama breath. I neglected my own personal wants - I haven't even touched my laptop in four months. Or gone ice skating. It was actually just two days ago that my mother told me not to stop living my life and encouraged me to go ice skating this week. It felt wrong though.
I feel obligated to stay home even though I want out. And all the while I know deep in my heart that the new friends I made, the two guys - one a brother figure, the other a potential - aren't going to stay with me. Because even though they say they don't wanna let me go, they don't fight to keep me around. And I have to let them go because I'm tired of being the only one fighting to keep them around. It's not a two way street here. And it sucks. Because my father goes off on me every day for being lazy, not doing anything. Saying I don't help around the house when my brother goes to work, comes home and goes to his room to play his games.
As if I don't cook. Clean. Try and step up. Nope. I don't bring him lunch nearly every day that I'm not working. I don't care at all to him. And even more so than that, I feel as if I'm being used because I know my coworker isn't going to stay with me, that I'm just his rebound. But turns out I'm barely even that because tonight he messages me and tells me he's going back to her. My dad's off in Puerto rico, my mom's sleeping for work, my brother being loud in the room down the hall playing games, and he's going back to her and my brother figure, my other coworker who even defended me against his own girlfriend when she misinterpreted a text conversation between he and I - knew. Or it feels like it. And me? I'm just sitting here like... I know I was that person that crossed his path to help him realize what he wanted in life at this moment. Because sometimes that's our role in other people's lives, or their role in ours.
But damn it all why do I have to be the one to be screwed over constantly? Why do I have to be the one who attempts something real with a guy only to realize that I'm nothing but a quick release? Or the girl to just help them in their life?
Why, when I only want to love, cherish, and enjoy another's company, so I end up with those who want nothing from me at all? I'm so tired of pretending not to be hurt living in a toxic house that I've been pushing back at my father with everything he says until the point where I break, going silent because - that's righr, I'm the daughter and I'm in the wrong and I'm disrespectful. I'm tired of being left behind, forgotten. Tired of watching my friends post things on Facebook about what a great time they had some random night - but then realizing they didn't invite me even though those are some of my closest friends. Tired of seeing everyone around me find their true loves - don't get me wrong, I'm beyond ecstatic for them! - and living with them and getting engaged, having families when damn it that's all I fucking want! And yet, my first ex drags me around for years and then after promising to give "us" another shot, walks in on a date with a coworker. Grabs my heart and throws it to the trash. And the next two guys want nothing but sex. Or three. Or four. Thank myou self awareness and trust issues they never got that far. And then the first guy that walks in my life that's great, is taken, and then won't let me just walk away. No, he has to hold me while I cry that first time, refuse to let me walk away, apologize for everything, and then the asshole makes me laugh to help cheer me up. it's not fucking fair. how much pain do I have to go through to find even the slightest bit of happiness? Why do I have to lose great friends? Or feel like I am losing them because I know when brother figure goes to his new job hell forget about me sooner than I will him. And for all his talk, lover boy doesn't have the balls to tell me in person he went back to her a second time until tonight - say we can't be more than friends but I know he'll be anything but friendly.
It's so ridiculous. It's stupid. I'm tired.
And more so than that. I'm tired of living in this world that we do, where every time we turn on the media some new fucked up thing has happened - and people only acknowledge one side of it. I'm not going into detail on that, it's too much, and I'm probably a bit too callous these days to really give it any thought. But I'm tired.
Enough so where I'd rather go live in my own car, my new baby car off in the middle of butt fuck no where so that way I never have to see another face again. At least at this rate with how bad my luck with people seem to be I won't ever have to worry about my heart being ripped out again, and again, and again. Because as of this ment, this is where my life stands.
Struggling with having to put myself out there only to be let down again. Struggling with myself over wanting to leave and live my house, but loving my mom so much I can't bear to leave her alone in this mess of a home. Struggling with everyone else moving ahead in life around me whIle I seem to not be going anywhere at all. I'm stuck in a stalemate. And I know others are too and I'm so sorry that were in that boat because being alone in something like that is wrong. It's just wrong.
But it's worse knowing that friends know bits and pieces of what's going on in my life and I see them happy as can be on social media and they can't even spare a few moments to send me a text, to say hi how are you doing except for a select few and that sucks so bad that they didn't even remember my own fucking birthday until I posted it on Facebook- shocking enough because Facebook is the one that reminds people about that - and I can't help but take a step back and stare and wonder what I did to be forgotten, left behind. That once again I have to be the one to put myself out there to be remembered and I just can't help but think... why when they say they miss me, love me, can't they even say hi to me? Or invite me out places? Or anything of that sort.
Now I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, or anything of that sort. You don't even have to reply because I know all of us here have things going on in life, moments where we feel like this, momentso where maybe you think of me and wonder did I forget you? It's possible at least. But no, I never forget. I never stop loving. And I'm sorry that I couldn't do the exact thing I complain about here and stop and say hi how are you cause I'm just as bad at that.
But yea. I'm sorry, and there you have it. What you choose to do with this, of course is entirely up to you